It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
