so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
