but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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