I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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