I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
