When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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