I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
