i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
