Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
