i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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