Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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