My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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