i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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