I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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