I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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