UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
