i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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