My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
