What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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