Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
