cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
