I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think I am morally bankrupt
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
