I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
