Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
