I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
