The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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