I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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