and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
