i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
