I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is Oprah even human
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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