good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
