I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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