Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
