I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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