Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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