My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Randomize
