well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
