I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
