some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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