I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
