I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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