i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Randomize
