Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
