the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
