What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
