Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
