My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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