never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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