after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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