The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
