I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
