There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
